Demetria
by veritaserum804
Summary: Kai merged. Kai became redeemable. This story takes place before Bonnie forced Kai into the 1903 prison world with the heretics. It's what could have been and what should have been. BECAUSE KAI PARKER DESERVED BETTER. Kai/OC
1. Something In The Way

**"I am not sorry**

 **For who I had to become**

 **In order to survive."**

 **\- Schuyler Peck**

Ж

Outside the front door of Alaric's office Kai Parker was banging on the door. His anguished expression was unfamiliar even to himself as he struggled to sort through the conflicting range of emotions in his head.

"PLEASE BONNIE! I NEED TO SEE HER, SHE'S ALONE IN THERE…' he paused, '...which is ironic…because I'm the reason for that…' for a moment his brain glitched and he remembered like an out of body experience all that had led up to this moment, 'BONNIE!"

He continued his banging, refusing to use magic to open the door himself. Somehow the idea of keeping the door closed in his mind was less harassing.

Pleading and begging, his voice was like nails on a chalkboard to Bonnie Bennett. Especially when it sounded like this, so desperate and so _deeply_ uncharacteristic of Kai Parker.

Alaric closed his eyes and opened them again, a pounding headache beginning to take its toll.

"Sociopaths aren't born Bonnie. They're made."

"Malachai Parker is an abomination."

The banging continued.

"Yeah, you're right. But he's also a victim. And you know who convinced me of that? Jo."

Bonnie rolled her eyes and Alaric continued.

"A _victim_ who up until a few months ago was incapable of redemption. It was literally _not_ in his realm of possibilities...and now it is."

"Okay and? So what? Why should I care?"

"Because you're the only one who can get Demetria out of that prison world. You're the last Bennett witch. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with that guilt on your shoulders? Knowing you could've done something and didn't?"

She looked away from Alaric for a moment, wishing that every word he was saying _wasn't_ true.

"If it helps then just remember you wouldn't be doing it for Kai, you'd be doing it for her. She doesn't deserve an eternity of solitude."

She rounded on him again, "How can you be so sure? We've never even met her. What if she's just as crazy as him?"

They could hear Kai talking to himself now, pausing in his banging and screaming, only to resume mere seconds later.

"And what if she's not?"

Brows furrowed she stared at Ric until finally she settled on the only compromise her warring mind could come up with.

"Fine. I'll go. But I'm not going alone. Kai's coming with me. I'll bring her back if we find her but I'm not gonna be the one to look for her in there. He is."

Ж

 **A/N: Words cannot convey the frustration and agony I feel every time I think about Kai's story arc in TVD. Everything that happened on the show made sense for the direction they chose. Kai starts out as a sociopath, someone incapable of love because it's been quite literally brain damaged out of him by his abusive parents. Then as fate would have it he merges with Luke and in effect is given the gift of humanity back. Yes his ugly side still exists but now he has hope. Had Bonnie forgiven him and given him a chance at life instead of leaving him in the 1903 prison world he may have been redeemed. But alas that action was enough to make him snap, yet again, and after being left in the heretic world and becoming one himself after turning into a vampire which magnifies all of your existing character traits, well then you have the Kai that kills his sister while she's getting married and goes to hell, only to get stuck in a prison world again. For all eternity. Ugh. This story is what should have and could have happened. It's also a story about how irrational love can be sometimes. The heart wants what it wants…**


	2. Emotion Sickness

"… **same thing happened to me when I was around their age. You start being able to do these things, amazing things, and at first it's accidental and random and then you start to figure it out, which sounds cool but it's, um, torture. It's lonely…I was a kid who was walking around like an addict, fiending for a hit like I was on fire all the time. And they didn't understand it. So they isolated me. Couldn't even touch anyone. That screwed me up, big time." – Kai Parker (Season 8, Episode 14 of The Vampire Diaries)**

Ж

Jo tapped her fingers impatiently on the kitchen counter waiting for the coffee machine to finish its rounds so she could have that much desired long hit of caffeine she'd been craving since she woke up. Kai had taken her magic only a few days prior and she was still getting used to being without it.

Alaric was waiting for her on the couch alone. Bonnie was intentionally absent from the conversation they were about to have. He didn't trust how she'd react to whatever it was he was about to hear.

Jo came in and sat down next to him, holding onto the mug for warmth as she braced herself for the story she was about to retell, "No Bonnie?"

"I thought it was best she didn't come."

"You're probably right. I've been on the receiving end of Kai's penchant for destruction myself, I know how it feels."

Ric rubbed her back soothingly and she set the mug down, moving a stray lock of hair behind her ear as she closed her eyes and remembered.

"Demetria Macintyre was our neighbor in Portland. She's three years younger than Kai & I, so she was 19 when she entered the prison world. We hardly ever spoke but I used to see her playing in the backyard with my younger sisters all the time. You know...the ones that Kai murdered."

Alaric cringed, "How was she even able to see your house?"

"Oh she's a witch too. Her family's coven and mine were very close. That is until 1994 of course. We didn't know it at the time but Demetria had been watching Kai since she was a little girl. I mean it makes sense, they were close in age, it's not like there were plenty of covens to go around. She had no one to really talk to and for some reason she connected with him. Not my sisters or her brothers, but him. There was something very off about her family, some dynamic going on that I never really cared to learn more about but I guess now it makes a lot of sense, why she would be attracted to the darkness in my brother. I can't pinpoint exactly when but she saw my father locking him in the shed we had out back a few times and it upset her…a lot. A couple of times she made some comments to my sisters that got her in trouble at home. My guess is it didn't take long for her to realize he practically lived in there for the better part of his life."

"...I take it that's where he plotted his revenge."

"Probably. Wasn't much for him to do. He was treated like a leper. Literally. None of us were allowed to touch him for a very long time. I know he spent a lot of time watching TV. He had a lot of VHS tapes too, my dad got him a video player for Christmas one year. I'm pretty sure he watched the Karate Kid every day in there for like a month once."

"Sounds incredibly…normal." Alaric smiled sarcastically.

Josette couldn't bring herself to smile back, "I always believed my parents had no choice. That they were doing what was best for him. It was easier not to think too much about it. I guess that was…selfish. Because it really wasn't what was best for _him,_ it was what was best for _them_."

"It's not your fault Jo."

"It may not have been my fault but I didn't do anything to stop it either."

"What could you have done your dad's not exactly one to bend to anyone's will but his own?"

Jo shook her head, stopping herself from falling down the rabbit hole of that loaded question.

"Hey we don't have to keep talking about this if you don't want to."

"No, no. I'm fine." She took another sip of coffee, closed her eyes to refocus her thoughts, then opened them again.

"...You remember how when Kai thought him and I were merging our coven was really sending him to the prison world?"

"Yeah."

"Well, Demetria found out what was going on, came to try and stop it, saw Kai on the ground, visibly in pain and…broke through the barrier of the coven's spell to try and stunt it. She was strong but not that strong, she couldn't stop them of course. But Kai, once he realized what was happening, grabbed onto her and before they could do anything to stop him she was gone."

Jo stared blankly ahead of her, suppressing the urge to cry with a steely resolve to feel nothing.

Alaric's brows furrowed as he turned over in his mind what she'd just said, "He grabbed onto her...you mean he took her with him?"

"Yes. I think that…Kai saw her as his loophole. He thought she'd be his key to freedom because he believed they'd open the prison world to bring her back. That would've been his window of opportunity. But they didn't. They wouldn't. My father refused, wouldn't take the risk."

"What about her family?"

"They hardly put up a fight. I think they thought she deserved what she got for what she tried to do." She looked at Ric with anguish in her eyes, "I can't even imagine what he's put her through in there..."

Ж

Even in his sleep Kai Parker couldn't rest. All the memories, and the guilt associated with them, just came flooding back in the form of dreams that began as soon as he closed his eyes…

 _Demetria's face was before him, young, innocent, deceptively untainted._

 _Her eyes flashed something dark underneath as her expression grew quite serious, "Hard to argue that they didn't have it coming Malachai."_

 _She was the only one besides his parents who called him by his full name. As much as he hated it he also knew it meant something to her. That feeling, if you could call it that in his limited capacity, was oddly satisfying…_

Again he tossed and turned, drifting out of one memory and into another…

 _On the floor of the Mystic Falls supermarket Demetria sat facing him, a bottle of Patrón in between them on the floor._

 _She was laughing hysterically at something he had just said. He found her ability to understand and react to his humor amusing, and if he had the ability to feel he'd probably find it endearing too. But he didn't._

 _He chuckled as she laughed, grinning from ear to ear lighting up his features._

 _And then, just like that, she stopped laughing._

" _You know…every time you smile like that I want to die." She took another swig of tequila, letting the delirium wash over her as she felt herself getting more and more drunk._

" _Well that's morbid." He took a sip as well, he was tipsy but not knock out drunk, by intention._

" _It's true."_

 _She reached out to touch the beauty mark on his neck that she noticed from time to time and he grabbed a piece of her long dirty blonde hair, twirling it between his fingers, "So wait, is that like what love feels like? Wanting to die every time you see the person smile? Cus that sounds like it totally sucks and I'm pretty thrilled I don't ever have to feel that."_

 _Again he smiled._

 _She could feel tears starting to well up behind her eyes as she drank some more, "Not exactly. It's more like what it feels like when you see something you want but can't ever have.' She paused and stared into his dark blue eyes, wishing there was a spell that existed to cure his disease, 'And yeah I guess in this fucked up situation, that's what love feels like."_

 _Feigning sympathy he frowned and spoke in that clear deep voice of his, "Aw I'm sorry Dee." Gently he wiped away the tear that fell down her cheek._

 _His touch made her skin melt but she knew it was just another form of manipulative torture. And yet, with this much liquor in her system it was so easy to pretend it was genuine._

 _Her eyes closed and he stared at her, fixated. Her guard was finally down. Keeping his hand on her face, his fingers not far from where he'd just wiped away a tear, he began to siphon away her magic, slowly, piece by piece._

 _She opened her eyes and watched him grow stronger as she grew weaker._

 _She didn't even put up a fight._

 _What for?_

 _What good was her magic in this hell anyway?_

Kai woke, gasping for air, shaking and covered in a cold sweat. He felt like he couldn't breathe, the weight of all he'd done was suffocating him.

A world away Demetria rocked back and forth in the front yard of the home she once fantasized about in Portland, a cold like ice enveloping her entire body. The grief, the despair, it overwhelmed her as she cried but no sound came out, only tears as she collapsed on the grass. Waiting to die.

Ж

 **A/N: Guys** , **the feels** **that I have towards Kai are deep, like way deeper than I expected. And they totally creeped up on me too. It was like after the entire series ended he just got under my skin more than before. Thank you "Ninja Vampire xx" for the review it means a lot! And thank you for all the faves and follows. I am VERY much looking forward to pouring my heart out through the words of this story. It's cathartic and the only way I know how to grapple with all these feelings that I have towards this character. Le sigh.**


	3. Falling Away From Me

" **Day is here fading, that's when I'm insane. I flirt with suicide, sometimes kill the pain. I can't always say 'It's gonna be better tomorrow.'…falling away from me, falling away from me…" – Jonathan Davis**

Ж

Bonnie Bennett was making sure to take her sweet time negotiating with Kai. His desperation was undeniably comforting to her, as sadistic as that sounds.

She grinned, smug as ever, "I'm not going back there until you do a locator spell."

"Come on really? You can't just do it?"

"You're the leader of the Gemini Coven now Kai, do you really think I believe you can't do this on your own?"

Defeated he sighed exaggeratedly, "Okay okay, you're right, I guess I was just, avoiding it cus you know, all the intrusive thoughts and stuff but, it's fine, you're right I _am_ the _all-powerful_ leader of the Gemini Coven so there's nothing I _can't_ do."

Bonnie rolled her eyes.

"You know what that means though right?"

"No?"

"I _need_ something of hers to do a locator spell. That means we have to go to Portland. Do you know how long it takes to get to Portland from here? That's like a 7 hour flight Bonnie." His temper was starting to show and she felt that familiar fear rise in her chest but quickly suppressed it.

"We _could_ go in blind Kai but if you have no idea where she is how do you expect to find her? The prison world is a literal imprint of the entire globe as it existed in 1994. She could be ANYWHERE."

His jaw clenched, "Okay. Then pack your bags…cus we're going to the happiest place on earth."

As always his deadpan humor was lost on her and she grimaced as he left the room.

A mere four hours later they were sitting on the last nonstop flight out of Dulles to Portland. Bonnie thought about letting him go alone but she didn't trust him. At all.

Kai crunched loudly on the free crackers the flight attendant had just handed out, "You know this is only my third time on a plane ever?"

Bonnie pretended not to hear him as she put her head phones in.

He continued talking anyway.

"I don't understand why they stopped giving out those little wing things and what's with the crackers? I'm not complaining, these are great, but I miss peanuts."

Bonnie narrowed her eyes at him.

"I'm sorry."

Angrily she pulled the headphones out of her ears, "What?"

"I said I'm sorry."

Her expression remained blank.

"No I actually am. I have this steady stream of consciousness that I kind of need to let out or else my thoughts get scrambled up in my head and I can't think clearly….It's actually gotten a lot better since I merged with Luke."

"Okay, well…we have three hours left of this flight. If you need to talk, you should talk about the reason we're here in the first place."

His expression changed slightly, "Seriously? You really think that's a good idea? Clearly you think I'm unstable and if I snap here on this plane you've got nowhere to go."

"I think it's a good idea."

Much to her displeasure he smiled, "Does that mean you're starting to forgive me?"

She smirked, "I don't know, do you think _she'll_ forgive you if you find her?"

The smile fell from his face as quickly as it appeared. "...I don't know...I guess we'll find out."

The sight of him clearly in pain gave her a perverse sense of joy that she concealed well.

And now, after all that incessant talking, he was uncharacteristically silent.

His eyes kept darting around the cabin and he was starting to compulsively play around with the rings on his fingers.

Much to her displeasure, she felt a modicum of pity as she watched him, and dare she think it...curiosity?

"So…tell me about her."

Kai looked at her this time with more than just a little indignation.

"...What do you want to know?"

"What does she look like? How old is she? I don't even know her last name."

Conjuring up an image of her face he couldn't help but smile again, though it was subdued, "Her last name is Macintyre. She's uh 19, or, she's _been_ 19 for a very long time. She's got dirty blonde hair, hazel eyes, this cute little nose, and this sort of slight cleft chin thing that I used to make fun of her for. It looked just like my father's. And _her_ father's actually." His eyes grew dark, "I should've killed him too."

She shifted in her seat, the words he spoke and the way he spoke them bringing her back to a very dark place.

Sensing this he quickly smiled and then became serious again, "Oh hey I'm kidding…sort of. Her dad's not a very nice guy."

He crunched on more crackers as he sought to distract himself again.

She surveyed him anxiously, "Not a nice guy...how so?"

His chewing slowed down and he frowned, refusing to meet Bonnie's eyes as he spoke, "My father wouldn't touch me and he never allowed anyone else in my family to touch me either most of the time. But Demetria's father? He had the opposite problem,' he finished the small bag and disappointed shoved it in the pocket of the seat in front of him, now eyeing Bonnie's, 'hey sorry you gonna eat that?"

Bonnie shook her head, waiting for him to finish what he was saying.

He grabbed her bag of crackers, ripped open the plastic and began eating again, "Yeah so, he was an alcoholic, pretty common problem right? Well, then it was, I don't know if it still is now, but um, imagine you're not just an alcoholic, but you're a witch too. And now imagine you're not a happy drunk or a sad drunk, but a really _violent_ sadistic drunk. With magical powers." Bonnie cringed as he went on, "Just makes it a hell of a lot easier to beat the shit out of someone ya know?"

He kept eating but his expression grew darker with every passing moment.

"…How do you know all this?"

He met her eyes now, "She told me. And I saw it happen once."

Bonnie was trying to wrap her head around what he was telling her, find a silver lining somewhere, "But…she had magic too. Couldn't she have protected herself?"

"Not if you're caught off guard or if you're too busy trying to keep him off the rest of your family. She did used to fight back though. Almost killed him a couple of times.' He smiled, 'Not surprising, she's a blonde witch after all."

She looked back at him confused, "What?"

"Hello? Blonde witch, pure magic?"

She shook her head making it clear she had no idea what he was talking about.

"Come on you've never heard that before?" He was genuinely surprised, "Wow okay so, there's this legend, or myth I guess, that says a _naturally_ blonde witch is inherently able to do purer magic than the rest of us. I don't know why. And you know the purer the source of the magic the stronger it is."

"I've never heard that before. And I'm kind of offended by it. But I've seen your sister Liv…and if that's any indication then it must be true."

He was unimpressed, "Eh, my baby sister couldn't hold a candle to Demetria. She was pretty strong."

"…Was?"

His jaw clenched and his face became solemn as he looked down, "Yeah I uh, siphoned away her magic, so she's been without it for something like…14 years."

Bonnie said nothing, only looked at him, scanning his features, looking for something she thought might be hiding just beneath the surface.

He exhaled loudly as though holding something back, "Bonnie? I was totally kidding before when I said I would snap if we talked about this, but I can now tell you with supreme confidence that I actually will snap if we continue. See, the more we talk about this, _right now,_ the more I think about how she's stuck there, alone, while we're sitting on a plane going 2 miles an hour instead of rescuing her,' His expression was manic and the Kai she remembered all too well suddenly appeared before her, 'It's making me want to jab one of these cute little United pens into my jugular vein actually, so can we be done now?"

Bonnie nodded her head, trying not to show that he still terrified her.

He smiled again with his mouth closed, "Thanks."

She put her headphones in, closed her eyes and tried desperately to drown away her thoughts.

Kai couldn't drown out his if he tried. He knew Bonnie was afraid of him and he laughed quietly to himself. Despite all he had done, Demetria never was.

Ж

 **A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! I'm so happy you're enjoying reading this as much as I'm enjoying writing it. It's weird because I've written other stories before and they've come out kind of like a slow fog, but this story is coming out of my brain like lava. It's weird, it's like I need to get it out. That's a good thing though! Writing this is also making me revisit a lot of old songs and life experiences. Kai Parker actually brought that out of me. It's like he triggered my inner still grieving child or something. When I think of Demetria, especially the way Kai talks about her in this chapter, I think sadly of the music video that's associated with the song I quoted in the beginning of this chapter. It's called Falling Away From Me by Korn. Anyway, much more to come, thank you so so much!**


	4. Girl Interrupted

" **Damaged people are dangerous, because they know they can survive." – Josephine Hart**

Ж

He had been out of the prison world only a couple of weeks but already Kai looked older. Maybe it was the facial hair, Bonnie couldn't quite put her finger on it.

She was sitting next to him in the black and white cab they took from the airport after landing at a cool 4:45 in the morning. It was the red-eye flight they'd taken. Kai wouldn't accept anything less than leaving as soon as humanly possible.

And for the second time that day he was uncharacteristically quiet.

If Bonnie knew why she'd probably feel even more uncomfortable than she already did.

He was reminiscing about the last time he was in a cab…

" _Oh, God. I'm that guy, right? That guy that won't shut up? Oh I hate that guy! I just sat next to that guy on the plane. He was the worst. Hey, speaking of planes, have you flown recently? Because what's with the whole liquid situation and stripping before you go through security thing? It's weird."_

" _They're worried about terrorists."_

" _Ok, well, I'm sorry but the real terrorists are some of those people taking off their shoes. I know I'm chatty. Sorry. I've just been in prison for a while. Not like a regular prison, you know, more like a –_

" _All right. We're here."_

– _special kind of…"_

" _That'll be 30."_

 _He paused, then struggled to get the money out of his pocket, unsure if he even had any, "All right. Jeans, ugh. Will you take this? Hang on hang on, I got it. Oh, hey, gum, nice."_

" _Come on buddy I don't have all day, let's go."_

" _I got it, hold on, huh, well…I guess this will do."_

 _He pulled out a pair of earbud headphones from his pocket and began choking the driver from behind. His face was as calm and emotionless as if he was making himself a sandwich. The driver whose name he never even knew struggled for a bit until he finally stopped and died._

He remembered the distinct feeling he had in that moment of being dismissed and deemed irrelevant by a total stranger. He remembered too the rage that it filled him with. A quiet but very violent rage. All those feelings were still there, buried but present, it was how he wanted to act on them that had changed. For the most part.

Bonnie was looking out the window of the cab at the seemingly endless line of western pine trees when a sign caught her eye. "WELCOME TO HAPPY VALLEY." Suddenly his joke from the day prior made sense.

Kai's voice interrupted her thoughts, "Hey driver! Pull over!"

He didn't even bother to look at Bonnie as he exited the car, "Bon you got this? I'm a little low on cash."

Confused as to why he wanted the driver to stop here she stared at Kai with a look that could kill and angrily took out her wallet to pay the driver.

She stepped out of the cab and watched as Kai closed his eyes, took a deep breath and exhaled in relief. "Ah I missed this place."

He looked over at Bonnie who was staring at him with ill-disguised suspicion, and raised his voice, "YOU SMELL THAT BONNIE?!' Her eyes grew wide and he laughed, 'That…is the smell of home."

Increasingly unfazed she responded with little enthusiasm, "It smells like Starbucks and pine needles and smoke…"

"Ew we're not Seattle Bonnie, have a little respect."

She shot him yet another look of contempt.

Undeterred he began walking off the immaculately paved street towards what looked like a break in the woods.

Bonnie hesitated before she followed him. Did she really want to be alone in the woods with a questionably reformed sociopath? No. But in this precise moment she had no choice.

There was a spring in his step as he stomped around familiar terrain.

"Just a little bit further now."

"…Yeah I don't see any houses around here, we're in the middle of the woods."

"Ah come on don't you remember? Not all witches like blending in among common folk like you guys do in Mystic Falls."

He had a point.

Soon enough they began to reach a clearing that she remembered all too well. She wondered if she'd developed a mild form of PTSD because a sensation of panic spread throughout her entire body at the sight of the familiar location.

"Hope you don't mind if I conceal myself. Don't want Daddy Parker to see me and do something _crazy,_ ' he half laughed, 'Don't worry you'll still be able to see me." He winked at her and she clenched her jaw.

He continued walking and spoke the incantation aloud, hand over his heart as he did, " _Phasmatos radium calaraa geminos."_

Satisfied the spell had worked he checked behind him to make sure Bonnie was still following him. She was, but he could tell she was growing more apprehensive by the minute.

"I know what you're thinking."

"I doubt it."

He didn't say anything but kept walking until finally they were standing in front of his house.

After staring at it for two unsettling minutes he finally turned to look at her, "I want you to know that…this means a lot to me. I know that you still don't trust me. I don't expect you to.' He looked back at the house, 'I know I've said this before, but it's worth repeating. You're a good person Bonnie."

She regarded him for a moment with a cold calculating look, "Thanks but I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for her."

The words stung, "You don't even know her."

"I know she was unfortunate enough to be stuck with _you_ for 18 years, that's really all I need to know."

He fought the urge to get mad, succumbing instead to the other emotion competing for space in his mind, despair.

What didn't she get? His soul had merged with Luke's. That wasn't just a metaphor. Thanks to his now dead brother the equivalent of his humanity switch had been turned back on. Damon's body count was infinitely higher than his would ever be and yet he was deemed forgivable, while he, was not. Given further thought he realized the only difference between him and Damon was that Damon made the conscious choice to do so every time he shut his humanity off. Kai's mind on the other hand made that decision for him decades ago all by itself, without his consent, and outside of his control. For reasons he had nothing to do with. He didn't ask to be born a siphon. He didn't ask for cruel callous parents. That's the opposite of having a choice. That _should_ make all the difference.

He turned away from Bonnie and continued to walk down the road, further down the street by about half a mile they reached a two story Victorian house that if you hadn't been looking for you'd never have noticed.

He looked up at it and then glanced around the back. There were no cars in the driveway.

"This was her house. Doesn't look like anyone is home. She has two brothers though so in case I'm wrong watch out. One's pretty old now, like Alaric old, the other is Jo's age."

"So your age?"

"Nah, she's 40, technically I'm still 22."

He walked up the steps and put his left hand on the door. Red light beamed beneath his palm as he siphoned away any magic that might be there. Then with a twist of his right hand the front door unlocked and opened up in front of him.

Siphoning still felt good, just not as good as it did when he didn't have magic at his disposal at all times. It used to feel like quenching an all-consuming thirst but now it was more like scratching a dull itch.

He walked across the foyer as casually as if it was his own house.

But it wasn't of course. And almost nothing was the same as it had been in 1994.

He had spent a lot of time with Demetria here in those first few years of exile…

Bonnie's distant voice permeated his thoughts, "Is this her?"

She had picked up a dusty picture frame and was examining it somewhat apprehensively.

Kai, who was much taller than her, came up behind her and looked at it over her shoulder.

"Yep. That's her. The blonde one." He cleared his throat, holding back from saying more.

She appeared to be the _only_ blonde one in the entire family. And she looked exactly as he described her…only with a darkness about her he had _not_ mentioned, a distance between her and the rest of her family that was subtle but noticeable if anyone cared to look twice.

He spoke more to himself than to her because he was finding it hard to look away from the photo, "We need to go upstairs."

Angrier than intended she put the picture frame down and followed Kai up the stairs to a long hallway that had only three doors.

He walked right by the first two and straight through to the last one at the end.

Not surprisingly the door was already unlocked.

He opened it and looked around, displeased with what he saw, "This _was_ her room."

It looked more like a storage unit now. There were nothing but stacks of boxes, old furniture and racks of clothes taking up space. No sign at all that this room had once been a refuge to only one person.

Annoyed he started angrily opening each and every box he saw, looking for something he'd recognize as hers.

Bonnie watched him for a moment and then decided to do the same, though with not quite the same enthusiasm.

"What about this?" She pulled out a watch and a pair of old sneakers and he shook his head.

"No those aren't hers."

She opened up another box and found a crumpled up old shirt with WWE written across the front below a picture of Steve Austin with rattlesnakes as hands. She pulled it out and held it up in front of Kai, which seemed to peak his interest.

"That was mine.' He half smirked, 'Let me see that box."

She handed it to him and he set it down on the old nightstand in front of him.

What was left in the box were several journals and what looked like a grimoire.

Bonnie grabbed the grimoire before he could while he frantically unbound the string on one of the journals and opened it up, eyes scanning the pages.

"…This is it, these were hers."

She put the grimoire down, noticing the pained expression on his face as he began reading, and stood by his side, preparing to do the same…

 _ **January 1**_ _ **st**_ _ **, 1992**_

 _After what I saw last night I can say with complete confidence that Joshua Parker deserves to be dragged out into the street and shot. I'm also pretty sure I'm not the only one who holds this opinion. Too bad he's the leader of the Gemini Coven and if he dies so do all the rest of them. Happy Fucking New Year._

 _ **January 20, 1992**_

 _Being 17 sucks. It's exactly the same as 16 but with no added benefits. I pretty much dread going to school 99% of the time now, mostly because of gym class. We were supposed to have a snow day today, I felt the weather turning and then it just changed its damn mind. I cried. I was counting on it more than I realized._

 _Sometimes when I'm sitting in Science class I fantasize about destroying everything in the room. Literally everything. All the chemicals and the Bunsen burners and textbooks, I want to just tear the room apart, throw everything, break everything… I don't know why that is like my ultimate fantasy. There's probably something wrong with me…_

 _On a brighter note I finally got a copy of Hook and made Malachai watch it with me. He wasn't too keen on the idea but HEY, he only tried to siphon me once and when I said I'd watch Over The Edge with him afterwards if he shut the fuck up and watched my damn movie he stopped. :)  
_

 _I'd love to say my parents were concerned that I snuck out to spend a few hours after dark in a shed with a siphon but, I'm pretty sure they never even knew I was gone…_

 _ **April 9**_ _ **th**_ _ **, 1992**_

 _Malachai's mother died. He didn't cry at the funeral. He asked me what was wrong with him. I'm not sure if he really cares to know. But I do._

 _ **April 10**_ _ **th**_ _ **, 1992**_

 _It happened again. I lost control of my magic. All it took was one second of lapsed concentration. He almost died. I feel sick..._

 _ **May 16**_ _ **th**_ _ **, 1992 (Full Moon)**_

 _He's a sociopath. I showed him a book from the library by some British guy. Basically it means you have no empathy. You can't feel anything. Guilt, remorse, love, any of those things. You can still feel attachment but, not in the normal way. In a dull muted way. You feel an attachment to someone in the same way you feel_ _hungry. When you're hungry, you want food, and you feel that in your stomach, maybe in your head if it's giving you a headache. But that's it. You don't feel it in your heart. Am I explaining this right? Does it matter? I'm talking to myself right now…_

 _I showed him the list of the causes too…being physically neglected, low involvement of the father with the child, low family income, poor supervision, harsh discipline, large family size, depressed mother. Check, check, income level is pretty average, not so much low, check, check, andddd check._

 _I won't pretend that this_ doesn't _feel like a cruel joke being played on me by the universe. Must be nice though...to be free from the burden of feeling. I have the opposite problem. I feel too much. There wasn't a diagnosis in the book for that…_

He closed the journal and let go of it as though touching it was causing him physical pain.

Bonnie looked at him, scanning his face trying to decipher what he was feeling, forming her own opinion of Demetria after all she'd just read and choosing to keep it to herself.

He looked back at her, letting her serve as a much needed anchor to the present, and fought through the cloud in his mind, "She's the reason I even knew I was a sociopath."

Bonnie shook her head, "I don't understand…all that time we were in there and you never once mentioned her."

His jaw clenched and he looked away.

"We never once _saw_ her…never even knew she existed."

Every word she spoke was causing him physical pain and he grit his teeth.

"…What did you do to her Kai?"

He hated her and himself so much in that moment he wanted to scratch at the scar on his wrist until it bled, "You didn't see her because I didn't want you to see her. And you should be asking _yourself_ that question Bonnie,' his expression changed suddenly and she took a step back, 'because the first thing I did when I siphoned her magic away was link her to me. So everything you did to _me_ in there, you did to _her_ too. When you stabbed me in the chest and I DIED? So did she. When you cut open my neck and I almost bled out? So did she."

Horrified she took another step back, the volume of his voice making her want to shrink against the wall.

"But don't worry Bonnie, because when I came back to life she did too. Because we were linked. But she's not as strong as me. Not in there. That world was built for _me_ and _me alone._ It was built so that I and _only I_ would stay alive. It wasn't built to sustain the life and death of two people. And she's DYING right now. Because of YOU." He shook his head violently, and hit himself hard against the temple, the same way he did when he wanted to kill his sister Liv but couldn't, "No no, not because of you Bonnie…,SHE'S DYING BECAUSE OF ME."

He grabbed the switchblade in his pocket and cut clean and deep across his left palm, wincing as he let himself feel every second of the stinging pain. He forced his hand into a fist and held it over the diary, thick drops of his blood spilling onto the leather bound cover as he spoke, " _Phasmatos tribum nas ex veras, phasmatos tribum nas ex veras, PHASMATOS TRIBUM NAS EX VERAS."_

The power of the spell rushed over him and he closed his eyes. Right away he saw her, looking exactly as he remembered her, untouched by time, unconscious but still breathing, on the ground in front of his house, an entire world away.

When he opened his eyes again he saw Bonnie with the ascendant in her hand.

She pressed him, "Where is she?"

His chest was rising and falling, still overwhelmed by the spell, "She's here, she's…she's in Portland, in front of my house, she's still alive Bonnie—

-Good."

Staring at the blood still pouring from his wound she grabbed his hand, held it over the ascendant and made sure he was looking directly at her, _"Pyrox morsinus ilum"_

Suddenly his temple was alight with pain and he screamed her name as she began the spell that would take them both back to the prison world.

There was a reason she wanted _him_ to be the one to do the locator spell…

Ж

 **A/N: Thank you for the follows and favorites! The flashback Kai has in this chapter of the first cab encounter is straight out of Julie's script from TVD Season 6, Episode 9,** _ **I Alone.**_ **All credit for that little part goes to her. And to the guest review I got telling me that "99.99% of people who give a damn about Kai Parker ship bonkai" and I "naturally wrote a story pairing him with an OC self-insert.": I can't tell if that's a compliment, an insult or just an observation? I don't ship bonkai because I despise what Bonnie did to Kai. I can't picture them together because of that. And yes, all of the OC's I write have bits and pieces of myself in them because I write from my own experience. That's been very cathartic for me. It floats my boat if you will. If it was a compliment, which I'm doubting, then I will say I'm proud to be the 0.01%. Did you know sociopaths like Kai represent only 0.06% of the population? I guess being different is something him and I have in common. ;) SO much more to come, and so much love to everyone reading!**


	5. Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

Bonnie, unmoved, and satisfied that the spell had worked, hardly batted an eye, "You're free. Go find her."

She'd weakened him. By design this would make it easier to do what she had to do. No matter how guilty she might feel about it later.

As the blinding pain in his head finally subsided he looked around him and noticed the room no longer looked like a storage unit. It looked the way it did in 1994, when it belonged to her. They were back.

He didn't have the time or the stamina in that moment to think. All he could do was try to find her. Demetria. She was everywhere now that they were back here. And it was terrifying. Terrifying but familiar. And with familiarity, no matter how bleak, comes comfort.

He tore from the room, nearly knocking Bonnie over as he did, ran down the stairs, through the front door and down the street to his house. His grey Nike's suddenly seemed out of place. In 1994 it would've been his well-worn black and white Chuck Taylors running across this dirt road.

And then he saw her. Looking just as she did in the vision he'd had minutes before, a bloody scratch under her right eye on her cheek bone and her body sprawled on the grass in an almost ethereal sort of way.

His breath caught in his throat and he felt the raw urgency of rage he was once so accustomed to boil up inside of him, threatening to spill over.

He rushed to the ground at her side and grabbed her wrist, bringing it to his ear, the sound of the soft, slow beat of her pulse causing at least a little of his anxiety to dissipate. Her skin felt cold though, and she was so pale.

He grabbed the vial of Damon's blood that he'd kept in his coat pocket and lifted her up towards him until she was leaning against his chest.

He brushed her hair back from her eyes and poured the blood into her mouth…watching…and waiting…his heart pounding so loudly he could hear it in his ears.

" _Come on damnit, wake up!"_

He couldn't tell if the blood had made its way down, and he shook her slightly. When she finally began to open her eyes his neck was the first thing she saw, him swallowing hard in relief, the beauty mark she used to stare at more prominent than ever and in sharper relief than before.

And then it came back to her. All of it.

She inhaled sharply and moved back on the grass, away from him, as though touching him scalded her skin.

His voice was filled with hardly masked anguish when he finally was able to speak, "Demetria, listen to me before you—

"YOU LEFT ME HERE!" Her whole body felt like it was on fire as she stared at him, eyes wide, in disbelief.

He opened his mouth to respond but no words came out. What could he possibly say? She was right.

And then she felt it, her rational brain shutting down.

The tears came out against her will, covering her cheeks and falling down onto her lips as her body shook with rage and she screamed so loud she frightened even herself, " _YOU ABANDONED ME…AFTER EVERYTHING – EVERYTHING THAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH! YOU LEFT ME HERE…'_ she pulled at the collar of her shirt, her eyes boring into his, ' _YOU LEFT ME HERE TO_ **DIE**!"

The pain in her voice and the emphasis on that last word ran through him like acid in his blood. As much as he wanted to he couldn't tear his eyes away from hers. Looking at her now was like seeing her for the first time. Whatever feeling she was giving him he only wanted more of. But the guilt was overwhelming and that other foreign feeling began to creep up on him again…the one that made him feel like he wanted to die. Maybe if he screamed back at her it would go away.

"YOU'RE RIGHT! YOU'RE RIGHT OKAY?! WHEN THE TIME CAME I SAW AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEAVE AND I TOOK IT! I DIDN'T CARE THAT I LEFT BONNIE BEHIND, AND I DIDN'T CARE, THAT I LEFT _YOU_ BEHIND…" he paused, absorbing the agony he knew he deserved, "I ONLY CARED ABOUT MYSELF."

She narrowed her eyes at him, unsure of what she was seeing…wondering if perhaps her mind was playing tricks on her. It wouldn't be the first time. It wasn't so much _what_ he was saying that struck her…it was how he was saying it…the look on his face, his body language, something was different…

She couldn't process it though. Not now. She was steadily falling into that abyss of darkness that no one had ever been able to pull her out of. Not until it had run its course. Sometimes it took minutes, sometimes hours, other times days. And right now, she wasn't even sure she was still alive. None of this seemed real.

The tears kept coming and she started to scratch at her wrists, very visible scabs still healing at the spot where she was rubbing.

"HEY, HEY, STOP IT!" He grabbed her arm and she recoiled.

"DON'T TOUCH ME." She pulled herself out of his grasp and he willingly let go of her, holding his hands back to show he wouldn't touch her again.

But he was just biding his time.

In this moment she looked half deranged… Had he been the one to push her this close to the edge? Or was she always this way?

Either way he was becoming angry now. She was hurting herself. Didn't she realize he was trying to help her?

She stumbled slightly as she attempted to move further away from him.

Again he grabbed her arm to steady her, " _Demi, LISTEN to me._ "

This time she didn't recoil. She wouldn't look at him though and she was still shaking when he pulled her closer and pushed his forehead against hers, forcing her to look at him, burying his hands in her hair to hold her still, " _Everything's okay now…It's okay alright? I'm here now, I came back for you, I'm gonna get you out of here, I promise."_

The sound of another voice suddenly permeated the air around them, "Don't make promises you can't keep Kai."

They both turned their heads to find Bonnie standing with the ascendant in her hand, mere feet away from where they stood.

Panicking, Kai released Demetria and held his hand out to summon the ascendant, '' _MOTUS! –_

But it was too late. In a flash of white light she was gone.

He balled his hands into fists, his breathing now hitched in a building rage that was not unlike the one he held the last time Bonnie had double crossed him.

Except this time he was the leader of the Gemini Coven, and the entire ground shook when he finally screamed his frustration.

Demetria grew very quiet. She'd seen him scream like that more times than she could count, but the earth had never moved…

Her eyes darted around and it suddenly occurred to her that this was all very real. She hadn't gone _completely_ insane as she'd feared. Could it be possible then? That he really had come back for her?

"Malachai!"

As soon as he heard her say his full name, he turned around, and the ground stopped shaking.

Ж

 **A/N: Just rewatched all of Season 6 and I swear I'm only more irate the second time around. Joshua Parker tried to kill Liv AND Jo SENSELESSLY, but we're not supposed to believe he could drive another one of his kids (Kai) to the brink of insanity? Such misplaced blame here people! On a brighter note, THANK YOU for the review Jewel213! I'm so relieved when I hear that other people feel the same way that I do! Much more to come!**


	6. The Island of Misfit Toys

**"I was so withdrawn by that time, and I was so anti-social that I was almost insane, you know? I felt so different and so crazy that people just left me alone. _"_ – Kurt Cobain**

 **"My father…the great coven leader…treated me like crap for 22 years and locked me here. It's like his kids didn't even matter…coven always came first. No matter what." – Kai Parker (Season 6, Episode 8 of The Vampire Diaries)**

Ж

He became aware very quickly in that moment the power she had over him.

She quelled his rage just by saying his name. He was pretty positive that had nothing to do with her being a blonde witch.

Her eyes were bloodshot and her lips were swollen from crying, but she looked herself again as she stared blankly in his direction, "Didn't I tell you never to trust a Bennett witch?"

He was still slightly out of breath from screaming so loud, "Yeah you did…' he looked down at the ground, then back up at her, '…Come here."

She hesitated at first, started to walk towards him, then ran and jumped into his arms nearly knocking him over. He grinned and laughed with relief as she embraced him tightly, her legs wrapped around his torso, her arms around his neck, eyes closed, breathing him in, hardly able to believe he was really here.

Suddenly Bonnie's betrayal and condemnation for the second time didn't sting as much. And he wasn't even thinking about the prospect of being condemned yet again to another eternity stuck in this prison.

Demetria had done this before of course, this run and jump maneuver. But he used to hate it. She would do it purposely to make him uncomfortable. And he had always let her. The intimacy of it was…unnerving still, but in a much different way. It didn't repulse him, it didn't feel foreign. It felt...like breathing fresh air for the first time...

His eyes grew heavy and began to glaze over as he realized just how deeply possessive he was feeling. So deeply in fact that if anyone ever touched her again and it wasn't him he'd happily slit their throat…

She noticed the difference in his reaction of course, slowly let go of him, put her feet back on the ground, but kept her arms around his neck. When he still didn't show any signs of discomfort she stared at him suspiciously, "What happened to you?"

"You noticed huh?"

She let go of him now, "Yeah I noticed…"

He fought the urge to smile, feeling it would be inappropriate to do so given the circumstances. "Well…after I left I went to Mystic Falls. And...who did I find but my baby sister Olivia. You remember Olivia right?"

She nodded.

"They call her Liv now...Anyway then I merged. Not with Jo though, or Olivia. With Luke. Jo's still alive. But she gave me her magic see?" He held out his hand and it suddenly became very windy around them both. He enjoyed watching her long hair fly around wildly before he closed his hand into a fist and it stopped.

Her lips were parted in slight shock as she stared at him. There were a million thoughts running through her mind but only one found its way out of her mouth, "You look different. You aged."

He ran a hand over the uneven shave on his face, "Well _you_ look exactly the same. Except for this,' he touched the cut on her face and she cringed, 'that should've gone away when I gave you Damon's blood. What is that?"

Bitterly she replied, "I don't know what it is, I got it the day you left, it hurt like hell, but I was dying at the time so I didn't pay much attention to it."

There it was again. That feeling he was growing to despise. Guilt.

He swallowed hard, "That was weeks ago, this looks fresh." He looked at the tip of his forefinger that was now coated in her blood from touching it.

She looked at the rings on his hands and then the blood on his finger, "…When you siphoned my magic away from me your hand was right here,' she pointed to the cut on her face, 'and when you left, any magic linking me to you broke."

Understanding suddenly dawned on him, "…But not because I undid the spell."

She nodded her head and looked away, "It's the difference between using a key to unlock a door and opening it by breaking it down with a sledge hammer." She looked back at him again, "And when that happens, it can leave –

– marks." He finished the sentence for her.

Visibly distressed he put his hand on her face, at which she instinctively recoiled, much to his displeasure.

She relaxed when it was clear he meant no harm and covering the cut completely with his palm, he closed his eyes.

As he began to siphon away the magic from the wound he felt his self-loathing start to dissipate. Every ounce of the remaining magic inside of her from his spell spread throughout his entire body, starting from the tips of his fingers all the way to the ends of his toes.

The last time he siphoned her it had been the single most painful experience of her life. But this time it wasn't painful at all…not even a little bit…

"STOP IT!" She pulled at his wrist, wrenching his hand from her face and he opened his eyes, angry that she interrupted him.

" _WHY?"_ He didn't mean to but he shouted at her.

She frowned.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. Why?" His face was still very close to hers as he towered over her.

Her jaw clenched, "I don't know."

He narrowed his eyes slightly, "I'm not hurting you am I?"

"No…not at all."

His hand returned to her face and he found himself staring at her without saying anything, that unfamiliar feeling creeping up on him again, "…Okay good. Can I finish now?"

She nodded her head slightly.

He closed his eyes again and began to siphon away the remainder of the mark, red glowing beneath his hand and illuminating the contours of her face. It was very difficult to do this without keeping his eyes closed, it required concentration, and quite frankly felt really _really_ good. But he forced himself to open his eyes, just once, because he wanted to see her face. He wanted to see how it looked when she healed because of _him…_ because of what _he_ and _he alone_ could do.

When he did he was surprised to find her staring at him, a look on her face he could not decipher.

When he was done he reluctantly removed his hand from her face.

The skin where the mark had been looked as if there'd never been anything there at all.

She touched it gently, relieved, and once again began questioning her own sanity.

Finally she broke the silence between them,"…Do you know how many nights I didn't sleep because I was awake reading grimoires about _your_ coven's tradition of merging?" The color was coming back to her now, "I probably know more about it than you. All the intricacies of it and the layers to it...You realize there's a way out of here for you now right?"

He narrowed his eyes at her, "What, you mean like a loophole?"

"It's not really a loophole, it's pretty damn obvious actually. You're the leader of the Gemini Coven. And if the leader of the Gemini Coven dies, all the prison worlds collapse and everyone in them perishes right? But _you_ can't die here. This place was so meticulously designed that it keeps you alive even when you die. That didn't used to mean anything but now that you're the leader it does. Now if you kill yourself you'll be dead _just_ long enough for this place to disappear…but not the magic that made it. That lives in you.' She poked his chest, 'And that magic will bring you back to life one last time. Just not here. It'll bring you back to the real world…"

"Well…first of all I'm a little pissed I didn't think of that before you did. But then again I'm not _that_ pissed because I'm a little distracted right now. And second of all, what about you? If I slit my wrists right now you'd die for real wouldn't you?"

She shrugged, starting to brush the dirt and grass off her sweatshirt, "Even if there was a way for me to survive you doing that I'd need my magic." Her eyes became callous again as she started to fall once more into that dark place, "What does it matter to you anyway if I live or die?"

"What does it matter to me?" He half laughed, "I mean I only came back to this hellhole to save your life right? But what does it matter to me?"

He grabbed her chin violently to get the reaction that he wanted out of her and it worked because she recoiled and pushed him away, her eyes filled with resentment and rage.

He smirked, "There it is. You can stop pretending you're jaded now."

" _Fuck you."_

She pushed him again and he grabbed her wrists and pulled her towards him, holding her in place against his chest, covering her mouth with his hand to keep her from speaking, " _Hey hey hey, play nice._ "

He was happy to see her show emotion again, even if it was aggression, even if it was rage, "I mean, I can't blame you for thinking it wouldn't matter to me if you live or die. Even _after_ I risked my own life to come back for you, I _totally_ get it. You haven't been around me more than twenty minutes since I've merged so you don't know how much I've changed. Don't get me wrong, I still fantasize about doing awful things to the people who've hurt me…and the people who've hurt _you_. But, I also don't sleep at night anymore…because that list of people who've hurt you includes me, and I'm too busy thinking about everything I did to you and all the ways I deserve to suffer because of it."

He smiled weakly, removed his hand from her mouth, and then became serious again, 'See…I couldn't appreciate it at the time but, you understood something very few people do. Not just, what it means to be cast aside because you're different, and how isolating and lonely that can be, but something much more important than that….that it's _not our fault_ we're fucked up.' He let go of her wrists now too to see if she'd push him away again, but she didn't. She couldn't, not now that he had her hanging on his every word.

He pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear, tracing her jaw line and then running his thumb over her bottom lip, this newfound pit in his stomach as unsettling as it was satisfying, '…Our parents turned us into monsters and then asked _us_ where it all went wrong…"

He could see her resolve to do fight weakening with every word he spoke and he wondered how long it'd been since she slept, or ate, or done anything resembling normalcy. It was so strange to have these thoughts and concerns about anyone other than himself…

Ж

 **A/N: Thank you magmag, Jewel213 & everyone else for the reviews! And to everyone who favorited and followed! Writing this chapter gave me a new appreciation for just how terrible the concept of the Gemini Coven's prison world really is. I mean, think about it, solitary confinement is pretty much the worst thing you can do to a person in our existing prison system. And that's what Kai had to deal with for 18 years. I can't even imagine dealing with that for more than a week. It literally and genuinely disturbs me. In fact, it was actually doubly cruel in his case, because he **_**became**_ **a sociopath due to gross parental neglect. What crueler way to punish him for snapping than to give him more of the same times a million? Ugh, cringe. MUCH more to come as I heal the open wounds this character's story gave me. Thanks a lot Julie Plec.**


	7. A Perfect Circle

" **I am not here to tame your darkness…I am here to live in it."**

Ж

Alaric stood near the fireplace trying his very best not to lose his patience or his ever-growing temper.

"Bonnie…do you realize what you've done? If Kai dies in there, _so does Jo_ , _so do my unborn kids, and Liv and everyone else in their coven!"_

"He _can't_ die in there Ric that's the point! You really think that thought never crossed my mind? The fate of the Gemini Coven is sealed now. No one will ever have to merge again and no one has to worry about their life resting in the hands of a deranged psychopath."

Josette who had been quiet up until this point suddenly walked forward, a frown on her face, glaring at Bonnie in a way that made it clear she wasn't here to congratulate her, "He's a sociopath Bonnie, not a psychopath. And I'm glad you're so confident in your knowledge of my coven. You know, the one that stretches back thousands and thousands of years and existed before a Bennett witch was ever even born?"

She was speaking too calmly to be anything _but_ and Alaric took a step towards her, "Jo –

'Ric stay out of this. Bonnie, I appreciate what you thought you were doing for me and for everyone else here, but did it ever occur to you that the rules may have changed now that Kai's merged?"

Bonnie said nothing.

Jo continued, "I didn't think so. I assume you _did_ realize though that if the leader of our coven dies, the prison worlds collapse too right?"

Bonnie met Jo's eyes, her confidence waning, "…He can't die in the 1994 prison world."

"He can't _stay dead_ in that prison world, but he _can_ die. There's a difference. So in effect what _you_ did was lock Kai in a room after giving him the key to get out of it. If he dies he _will_ come back to life, and it won't be there, because _there_ will cease to exist. It'll be here. As in present-day here."

Alaric interjected, "So what would that mean for you?"

Jo frowned, "I have no idea. It's never happened before. Ever. So, essentially there's a 50/50 chance that I die along with him and don't come back to life when he does."

Bonnie suddenly looked horrified, " _My apologies that the little field trip you sent me on into another dimension didn't go as well as you'd hoped._ I don't know if I made this clear before but I have no problem doing it now. _I'm not here to do everyone's dirty work for them and this is NOT my fault.'_ She turned specifically to Ric now, ' _You_ convinced me to go there to get some girl out I don't even know! Just because I'm the only who can. _Lucky me._ A girl, _by the way_ , who looks even more deranged than Kai!"

Jo's expression suddenly became more urgent, "You saw her?"

"Of course I did."

"She's still alive…" Jo said the words more to herself than to anyone else as she processed this information.

"Yes she's still alive, thanks to your brother. And since I know for a fact that you both withheld information from me I assume you also already knew that she was in love with him? And probably still is?"

Jo looked up at her and a darkness flashed beneath her eyes that reminded Bonnie so much of Kai in that moment that a chill ran through her.

"Don't say that."

"Why not!?"

Jo shook her head, "You don't know that."

" _OH I don't?"_ Bonnie threw the duffle bag she'd placed on the couch onto the floor and opened it, frantically taking out books and leather bound journals, tossing some on the floor and others to Jo and Alaric, _'_ When we got to her house in Portland we went through everything in her room, and we found all this. Diaries, her coven's grimoires, notebooks from school. She practiced black magic too, something else you forgot to mention?"

Alaric suddenly gave her the side-eye, "You've messed with black magic before too Bonnie."

"That was _different_ and you know it! I had _no one_ to guide me, I had no idea what I was doing. This girl had an entire coven at her disposal!"

Jo put the journal she was holding down and started picking the rest up off the floor and shoving them back into the bag frantically, "I don't want to read these."

"Why not?!"

" _BECAUSE BONNIE, IF WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS TRUE YOU'VE DONE FAR WORSE THAN JUST MAKE MY BROTHER ANGRY."_

The look on Alaric's face as he saw his wife raise her voice to the point of screaming turned from concerned to livid very quickly.

Jo, slightly shocked at her own outburst, clutched at her abdomen, genuinely frightened, "Get out."

Ric turned to Bonnie, "You need to leave."

Bonnie, mortified and feeling more than just a little betrayed, tore from the room and slammed the door behind her as she left the Salvatore house with tears streaming down her face. No matter what she did, the choices she made always seemed to be the wrong ones in the end…

Ж

 _14 Years Ago, the 1994 Prison World_

 _He'd linked her to him…using her own magic. She knew why of course. It was a desperate attempt at control in an otherwise hopeless situation. If anything happened to him it would happen to her too. In theory it was genius. The only problem was that four years had passed since they'd been locked in the prison world. And no one had come for either one of them._

 _True this was half her fault…after all she'd grown weak and let her guard down. After four years of using all her strength to ensure her own protection she grew tired. And in that time, she also grew hope._

 _She believed in the good she saw in him so much that she gambled away her own identity in search of its realization. And if she was being honest with herself, she dangled the opportunity in front of his face just to see if he would actually take away the one thing she held sacred in life._

 _Having your magic stolen from you is the deepest violation a witch can experience. When everything else in her life abandoned her, her magic never did. It was the one constant. Always there and always hers._

 _And now, it was gone._

 _When it was all over he left her on the cold linoleum floor of the supermarket, magically putting her to sleep so that he could slip away and not face her. He felt no pity, no guilt, but there was an attachment there that made it hard to look at her after what he did all the same._

 _When she woke up several hours later she felt the emptiness inside of her immediately…the hole in her heart she knew would never be full again._

 _Shaking from the shock she remembered him performing the spell that linked them to each other. And then, a cold enveloped her entire body and she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces as she remembered the last thing he said to her…_

" _You better pray you're worth more to your family than you are to me."_

 _A strangled wail of grief echoed throughout the supermarket as she lolled back and forth, bringing her knees in towards her chest, wishing to sink into the earth and never feel again. And then it occurred to her. She could end this right now. He may not be able to die here…but she certainly could._

 _Stumbling to her feet, her face swollen beneath tears and streaks of black mascara, she crashed through the aisles looking for a scissor, or a razor, anything with a sharp blade that she could get her hands on._

 _After knocking over several bottles of shaving cream she grabbed a bag of men's razors and frantically ripped open the plastic, taking out the blade from the back. It was small but it would do just fine._

 _Though she was shaking she did not hesitate, positioning the blade at a straight angle against her wrist._

 _The pain was instant as she cut through the skin and blood began to blossom. It hurt more than any physical wound she'd ever received, but God was it an exquisite distraction from having to think._

 _She knew it would only be a matter of time before he came back now. After all his wrist would be bleeding too._

 _Sure enough she looked down and saw the cut begin to heal._

 _Furious and close to hysterical she jammed the blade in again, reopening the wound, this time deeper than before._

 _It hurt even more the second time._

 _And then again, it began to heal, though this time slower than before._

 _For the third time she jammed the blade in, the ghost of a smile lingering on her face as she thought of all the magic he was using to try and stop her, over and over again._

 _It would be gone soon at this rate of use…_

 _She fell to the floor, overcome but still conscious._

 _She wasn't sure how many minutes had passed before he broke all the glass on the windows and came after her._

 _Behind blurred vision she saw him, blood all over his clothes and arms, his face pale as a ghost as he screamed._

 _She was worth nothing to him dead of course._

 _The thought alone made her start to laugh hysterically as he wrestled her to the ground to keep her from using the blade a fourth time._

 _He was stronger than her of course, but the blood loss was making him weak. So, reluctantly he used more magic to keep her down. And he was shouting something too, no doubt more vitreous poison, but she couldn't hear what he was saying. All she could hear was the sound of her own laughter as everything started to fade away…the synapses in her mind turning her grief into madness, and the blood pouring out from her veins ripping away what was left of her consciousness..._

Ж

 **A/N: So, this chapter took a lot longer for me to write, because there were a lot of dark places I needed to mentally visit in order to write a lot of this. I'd love to say it's all from my own imagination but unfortunately much of it is based off of real life experience. A witch having her magic taken away turned out to be the perfect metaphor for something horrible that happened to me when I was 18 years old.**

 **On a lighter note, I really loved ripping Bonnie a new one through Josette.**

 **AND, I can't thank you enough for your reviews.**

 **Jewel213 THANK YOU SO MUCH for writing in that review exactly what I wanted to say to the guest who said I shouldn't have this categorized as Bonnie/Kai! I was gonna say something but like you I thought the person would never read it. Thank you so much for your kind words too!**

 **Guestlola, I actually totally agree with you that Bonnie wasn't obligated to accept Kai's apology, I just wish she would've then let bygones be bygones and moved on with her life with no blood on her hands instead of kind of play God in a sense by** _ **indirectly**_ **forcing him into the 1903 world. And yes you're right it** _ **was**_ **his idea to bring Bonnie. Which just makes what she did even worse to me. But I'm glad we both agree that Kai deserved a redemption arc!**

 **Kasuka-chan, we think alike! There were several times during TVD where I was just like, wow Bonnie you keep making really bad decisions and hurting a lot of people.**

 **So much more to come, thank you ALL for the reviews, follows and favorites!**


	8. Him & I

"What does love look like?"

to which I replied,

"Like everything I've ever lost come back to me..."

\- Nayirrah Waheed

Ж

The weather outside in the Prison World's Portland, Oregon was calm. There was no wind, no bitter cold or oppressive heat. About 70 degrees at this time of night and not a sound to be heard. No crickets, no cicadas, no squirrels running through the leaves. And that was because the whole concept of living things here was somewhat complicated. Trees, plants, grass, those were all living things, and they were everywhere, but they neither grew anew nor died here. They just were. And so it was the same for the two people that inhabited this prison since its inception.

It had been only one day since Malachai Parker had returned here and already it felt like he'd never left. Even more so now that everything was connected to a feeling. He wondered if this is what it was like for everyone. To feel _all the damn time._ Even boredom, which he distinctly remembered being on his spectrum of emotions before, felt entirely more excruciating.

The more he thought about it the more ridiculous the thought sounded to himself. Of course normal people feel all the time. The ability to shut off feeling or have none at all is reserved for vampires and sociopaths only.

That's not to say the very ugly side of him that was a byproduct of his sociopathy didn't still exist. Because it did. But it was dulled down now and tempered by other more dominant traits. And more importantly it wasn't connected to callousness or a lack of attachment to others anymore.

Empathy, had been one of the few gifts his now dead brother Luke had given him upon merging. Although that newfound empathy definitely did not apply to everyone in his frame of reference. As it stood right now, there were more than a few people on his list that made him fall into a very dark mental pattern…his parents for one, Demetria's entire family without a doubt, _himself_ even at times, and of course, Bonnie Bennett, the witch who christened him irrevocably irredeemable not once but twice.

With as much self-discipline as he could muster he forced these objects of his personal rage from his mind and began desperately trying to distract himself by thinking of _any_ act of good he'd ever committed in his life. Anything, even if just one thing, even if it was unintentional.

He stared at the ceiling for what seemed like hours, though it had only been ten minutes based on the clock blinking green on the dresser. His body was tired but his mind refused to shut off.

He clenched and unclenched his fists, frustrated as he struggled to think of anything and deeply uncomfortable in his own new skin. Time seemed to move so much _slower_ since merging…

And then…he realized. Maybe, just maybe, he _had_ committed one, undeniably good act.

Years ago, after the stunt Demetria pulled when he siphoned away all her magic, the whole slitting her wrists, and by extension his own, over and over again thing, he cast a spell on her. One that had been in his family for centuries. One that didn't affect him, only her, but still managed to keep their magical link intact. The spell essentially put her in a magically induced sleep, not unlike a coma. And since every day in the prison world repeated itself, she never suffered any damage.

When he lifted the spell 13 years later it was as though she'd awoken from a dream and only a single night had passed in her memory. In fact, being told that 13 years had gone by hardly fazed her because nothing about their world had changed anyway. Except of course that Damon and Bonnie had joined it. But she hadn't missed much of that. No sooner did they arrive than he woke her. Because again, there was a chance of escape.

Before he used to operate like a machine. He could go on 2 hours of sleep a night and feel fine. He could attempt suicide over and over again and come back frustrated but no weaker mentally. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, months then to years, and while he counted down the days it didn't grate on his sanity because he hardly had any to begin with. He couldn't feel despair or heartache. Any normal person on the other hand would've lost their mind beyond the possibility of return if they were isolated and alone for that long. But he was not a normal person. And the one who was, arguably so of course, was asleep for more than half the sentence they had served thus far. Sure he had done it for himself, after all she was too much of a threat conscious, but still, the very act of keeping her from that kind of maddening and endless time had to count for something right?

It was in the throes of that thought that his sight finally began to grow dim, and he eventually drifted off to sleep.

Ж

Demetria inhaled sharply, waking from what felt like a very deep sleep. As her eyes fluttered open she watched as dust started to fall from the ceiling above her bed. She was well covered under her blanket and more comfortable than she could remember being in days, but she had no memory of how she'd gotten here.

Here, as in, _her_ bed, in _her_ bedroom, in _her_ house.

And then it occurred to her. _He_ must've put her there.

The last memory she had was of him telling her she needed sleep. Followed by her stubbornly insisting that she didn't. And then the memory ends.

The dust started to fall from the ceiling again and she realized it was because the room was shaking. Shaking so badly in fact that it was knocking several books to the floor and causing the mirror on the wall to swing back and forth.

Hesitantly she pushed the covers back and crawled towards the foot of the bed. With bated breath she peered over the edge, sensing his presence before she even saw him.

Sure enough Kai was asleep on the hardwood floor, his head against a pillow he must've borrowed from somewhere else in the house and his arms folded across his chest. His expression was pained and the gray wife beater he was wearing was drenched in sweat.

She tilted her head slightly to stare at him, mildly comforted by the fact that this _hadn't_ all been just a dream.

Grabbing one of the black bands around her wrist she tied half her long hair up in a knot and maneuvered herself as quietly as possible out of bed. Barefoot she stepped gingerly across the floor and walked over to where he was sleeping.

Kneeling now at his side she stared down at him and spoke only just above a whisper, _"…I was looking forward to dying old friend. I've been here way too long…"_

She grasped the tiger's eye on the chain around her neck and began rubbing it absentmindedly. And then, suddenly, she noticed his whole body tense up and his hands ball themselves into fists, his knuckles turning white from the force.

Brows furrowed she watched as the room began to shake again, no doubt triggered by whatever nightmare or vision was running through his mind.

Hesitant at first, and a little in spite of herself, she reached out and gently touched the mole on his neck with the tips of her fingers, just as she used to do when they were much younger. She hoped the familiarity would settle him without waking him.

For a moment his breathing hitched, but then slowed down as the rhythm of his heart beating against his chest returned to its normal steady pace.

Smiling slightly she lingered for a moment, her fingers still on his skin. She could feel the magic emanating from him. It was unlike anything she'd ever experienced before. It felt like electricity… 

God what she wouldn't do just to have an ounce of her magic back…

Sighing heavily she laid down on her back on the floor next to him, bitter, and now consumed with thoughts of being only a shell of her former self.

The thought occurred to her of course that if she killed him right now it could all be over. She'd never have to think or feel ever again...and he'd be free.

The thought was so tempting. But she couldn't do it. She never could.

Staring up at the ceiling, weighed down by her thoughts, she reluctantly grabbed the Zippo lighter that was in the pocket of her jeans, opened the cap and pushed against the side until the flame was dancing before her eyes. She stared at it, mesmerized, remembering very clearly how well she used to be able to manipulate fire to bend to her will before.

Reaching inside her sweatshirt she pulled out a spare cigarette that was held in place by the strap of her bra. Holding it out in front of her she examined it for a moment, then lit it and brought it to her lips, inhaling long and slow.

Her eyes closed as she finally exhaled, the smoke leaving her mouth in a thick deep cloud that obscured her vision and made its way up to the ceiling.

Immediately her nerves calmed themselves and her thoughts dulled ever so slightly.

And then that familiar deep voice pulled her from her reverie.

"…Hasn't anyone ever told you that smoking is bad for you?"

Her eyes opened again and she half smirked, "No, never, thank you, I guess should smoke two at once then."

He laughed quietly and propped himself up on his elbows, glancing over at her, "That's funny. You're funny."

Unfazed she continued to smoke, "Thanks so are you."

She could feel his eyes on her, the intensity of his gaze reminding her how little he used to sleep before, "You were making the room shake ya know."

As though suddenly aware that he was on the floor he looked around and then back at her, "Was I?"

"Yeah. You hold this place together I guess you can make it fall apart too."

He considered what she said and then sat up completely. Grimacing he suddenly became very aware that his shirt was clinging to him and he swiftly pulled the tank over his head, and threw it across the room where it landed on the floor in the corner.

He cracked both sides of his neck and stood up, now clad in nothing but a pair of jeans.

After taking a moment to adjust to being fully awake he looked down at the girl who was the perfect imprint in every way of a year he'd grown to both love and hate, "Get up."

Still with her back on the floor she glanced in his direction, the sight of him shirtless, now with much more muscle to sustain himself, making her cheeks flush, "Why?"

"Because we have a lot to do to get out of here Dee. I think 21 years is enough of a sentence don't you?"

She narrowed her eyes at him and sat up, putting out the cigarette on the floor as she did, "Didn't you hear me yesterday, or however many hours ago that was? If I don't have my magic I can't leave. I'll die."

He considered her for a moment, his brows furrowed, then turned around and began heading towards the room across the hall.

Irritated she stood up now too and followed quickly behind him.

He was in her brother Jeff's room now, rummaging through drawers, grabbing shirts, examining them and then throwing them to the floor. None of them would do. He wasn't as skinny as he used to be and these were all too small. He remembered her brother being bigger for some reason.

"Did you even hear what I said?"

He glanced at her again but still did not answer as he tore from the room and started walking down the hall.

Demetria was at his heels now, becoming angrier with every passing second, " _Why aren't you answ—_

Kai turned around abruptly and she collided with his bare chest, nearly falling. He grabbed her arms to steady her and she fought the instinct to flinch.

His jaw clenched and unclenched as his eyes searched her own and he asked her in all seriousness, "Do you know what I did while you were sleeping?"

"…No."

"I raided your house and mine for every grimoire that belonged to your coven I could fine."

Confused she eyed him with suspicion, "My coven didn't have any grimoires left, they were destroyed centuries ago…"

"Yeah that's what they told you right? And you swallowed it, never questioned it?"

"…What are you talking about, why would I question it, why lie about something like that?"

"That's exactly what I wanted to know. Because there was something that never made any sense to me."

"What's that?"

"Why didn't your family ever come back for you?"

A darkness flashed behind her eyes and she frowned, triggered by the question and holding down the vitriol that threatened to spill out of her mouth and poison her in the process, "You _know_ why. B _ecause I was the mistake they never wanted_. I was the _black sheep_. They probably saw what happened as a blessing. What about that doesn't make sense to you?" 

He frowned. "Everything. Because even if they hated you…one member of your coven lost weakens the entire group. That's how it works, that's the _point_ of a coven. Belonging is everything. _The greater well-being of the group is everything._ If one goes down you all do. Your coven's not like mine. You don't have a twin to balance things out. Everyone's magic got weaker after you left. It would've been in their best interest to get you back. But they didn't even try. "

She could feel herself retreating inward, "Why are you telling me this?"

"….Didn't you ever question why you were so much stronger than they were?"

Her eyes filled with hatred again and she shoved his chest and yelled, " _WAS! I WAS so much stronger than they were._ Now I have _NOTHING._ "

He raised his voice back at her in spite of himself, "I KNOW THAT ALRIGHT…I know…"

There was an uncharacteristic sadness in his voice when he spoke, and she watched as he looked down at the floor and then at his left hand. He stared at it for a moment before carefully pulling off the silver ring that was on his pinky finger.

"…About a week after I merged with Luke, I got really sick. Really, _really_ sick…I felt like I was dying actually…I asked Jo to take a look at me, she's a doctor now, to see if there was anything wrong. And of course, there wasn't anything _medically_ wrong with me.' He glanced up at her, trying to read her expression and failing, "I was supposed to get Jo's magic, not Luke's. His was making me sick. My body was rejecting it. So, I had to convince Jo to give me hers, which I did…eventually.' He sighed, "Right before she did the spell though it hit me. Luke's magic was still inside of me…and with Jo's about to be too I wouldn't need his anymore. So, while I was absorbing Jo's magic, I siphoned away Luke's and channeled it,' He held the ring out in front of them both as she looked at him in disbelief, "into this ring. Hoping you'd still be alive so that I could give it to you and fix what I've done."

She made to respond but he stopped her, " _Before_ you say anything…before I give you back what I took from you…all I ask in return is that you… _try_ to forgive me. Because I can't live with myself if you don't. I know what I did to you and I know now _why_ I did it. I wanted you to hate me so you'd never be indifferent, like everyone else. But no matter what I did you would bend and never break, and I… _hated_ that. I hated it. You were essentially the only thing I had and the one thing I couldn't control. Do you know how frustrating that was for me? Your family wanted to keep you down, make you think you were worthless…because it was better for them if you believed that. And now I know why. And I'll tell you everything I know now, everything they kept from you…just, please…tell me you'll try to forgive me."

In slight shock as she absorbed every word he said, she kept quiet and still for a moment before taking a step closer to him, then hesitant at first, reached out and put her hand on his chest, directly over his heart. His skin was warm to the touch and he stood rooted to the spot, unsure of what to do as she lingered for a moment.

"Your heart is beating so fast…"

Somewhat sheepishly he half smiled, "…Yeah I guess it is."

She removed her hand from his chest reluctantly and then he watched, mesmerized, as she pulled her sweatshirt off, revealing only the camisole she was wearing underneath.

She reached for his hand and guided him until his too was over the spot on her chest where her heart beat just beneath the surface, "…Mine too."

He wasn't sure if she realized what she was doing to him, but if she did then she was more cunning than he ever gave her credit for.

Swallowing hard he closed the space between them and his eyes grew hazy as he spoke aloud exactly what he was thinking, _"…So this is what it feels like."_

Sensing no resistance from her he gently lifted her chin up until he was so close that their noses nearly touched and his lips brushed against hers ever so slightly.

It took every ounce of self-control she had not to kiss him.

" _Give me back my magic and I promise I'll try."_

His eyes nearly closed at this point, he waited for a moment before leaning away from her, fighting and losing the battle within himself to hold onto his leverage for just a _little bit_ longer.

Frowning, not wanting the moment to end, he carefully slipped the ring in question onto the middle finger of her right hand. He could feel her start to tremble as he held her hand tightly in his, eyes locked on hers as he began to speak the words of the spell that would make her whole again.

Ж

 **A/N: Today was a shitty day. But at least I got a chapter out of it. Sorry for the ridiculously long absence, I have lots and lots of issues that stretch across lots and lots of plains and prevented me from writing and posting. On a brighter note though, tonight CAROLINE comes back to us through the medium of The Originals. I'm super stoked because I have always loved the idea of her and Klaus getting together. Watching that should hold me over for a while until I re-watch the entire TVD series again soon. Because it's life. And amazing. Ugh. Thank you for the reviews and comments and love. And if you hate my writing or the ideas that come through my brain and onto this site, then I'm sorry. I tried. Even if I take long breaks, I will always come back. I promise.**


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